Dixie Fix

What is it About Your Mother?

A dear friend and I had coffee Thursday, a hastily arranged date to catch up on our lives. But this time, she had terrible news to convey about her adult daughter. As I listened to her story, it ended (as all these stories do) with her anguish that perhaps it was her parenting that somehow resulted in her daughter's violent act.

Now think about calling your mother. Do you sometimes dread it? Put it off? Does she tend to give you unsolicited advice? Or, treat you -- still -- as a child?

I always kept bad news from my mother if I could. Who wants to tell your mother your marriage is crumbling apart, or you're losing your house? It's so much easier to say "Everybody's Fine" (the name of a great movie starring Robert DiNiro about adult children and what they tell, and don't tell, their parents.) I always figured that by telling my mom that everybody was fine, it was in her best interest.

The irony here is that whatever your relationship with your mother, NO ONE ON EARTH is as interested in you as she is. And when your mother is gone, this fact above all others will be front and center. You get a promotion at work: your partner is thrilled, your kids are proud of you. But it is your mother who would be happiest, proudest, hanging on every detail before she runs to brag to her friends!

Adult kids may not realize this, but you and your lives are our main topic of conversation with our friends. We love to talk about our kids and how proud we are of them. This fact was brought to light for me one day many years ago when my kids were small. I had dropped them off at mom's in Whittier and then stopped to get gas before I ran some errands and went out to lunch.

The gas station attendant (that's how long ago this was!) was filling my car with gas and he looked at me and said, "You have the most beautiful children." I was shocked, realizing quickly he had mistaken me for someone else. I even glanced in the backseat to see if they were there, in their car seats, while he was commenting.

"Excuse me, I think you have me mistaken for somebody else," I said, briefly wondering if the guy was some weird pervert. "You are Kymry and Amber's mother, aren't you?" he said, causing my jaw to drop open. How in the Hell did this guy know my children? Major creepy!

He saw my shock and quickly explained. "Your mom is a customer here, and she always brings in the latest pictures of your kids and tells me what they're doing," he said, continuing to pump gas.

OMG. My mother is showing pictures of her grandkids to the gas station attendant?! Yikes! Can you imagine her pulling up and whisking out the pocket photo album while he's a captive audience, pumping her gas? And him, probably all of 19, having to be polite as she shows him photo after photo? And he recognized me from the photos.

I was mortified. Only later, long after my mom died, did I realize the depth of love that act was. At the time -- as a young mom myself, I only saw it as highly embarrassing.

It's highly difficult business, being somebody's mother. And the biggest myth of parenting is that you do most of your "mothering" when the children are little. It's the adult children, with their careers and relationships and stumbles in life, that require the most of us.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes in Nevada County

The last year (and I suspect this year as well) has brought amazing changes to Nevada County. While lots of businesses closed their doors, some brave souls started new ventures. Change is in the air.

Whether it's the Board of Supervisors consolidating or privatizing -- or coming up with new ventures like the business and convention bureau, the staid halls of government are flexing and bending. The city of Grass Valley is looking at consolidation of some services; Nevada City is getting a "local food marketplace"; and the friendly folks at the management company that oversees the Pineless, Creekless Center have evicted yet another tenant: this one Fashion Bug, a good source of serviceable inexpensive women's clothes.

Bel Capelli Spa will be opening soon on Broad Street and Culture Shock Yogurt in GV seems to have a following -- even in these cool months.

It's going to be more expensive to launch a boat or visit Scotts Flat Lake, and the annual pass has gone up as well.

There is no earthquake, but the county is changing and shifting as surely as if there had been one. Doctors and dentists come and go, but neighbors stay the same because no one can sell their house.

Are the changes good? Necessary? Or are some robbing the county of some of its funky rural charm? Have any changes impacted you?

Why is the Culture So Different at Monster & South Yuba Clubs?

Culture is an interesting thing. I'm sure you've been to a workplace with a great corporate culture -- maybe there is a lot of joking going on, or the people seem to genuinely like one another. And then, there's the oppressive culture at other workplaces or businesses -- kind of like the proverbial black cloud that seems to hang over the place. You can feel it. It's palpable. Where would you rather spend your time?

When Rich Sommerville was the editor of the local newspaper, he confessed that he hoped to change its culture. In fact, he was working on a doctoral thesis about changing newsroom culture so he viewed the local paper as a great testing ground. When the reporters didn't adapt the way he wanted them to, he set about turning over the jobs, hoping to "mold" the new people as he saw fit.

Sadly, Rich didn't achieve the results he hoped for with the newer employees. I think he forgot that a lot of strong egos lived in the journalism arena in those days and he also had to contend with the fact that the newsroom he managed was a small part of the paper as a whole and would never be able to undo the ingrained habits and culture that existed. After a couple years he moved on to another paper, and died of a heart attack before his work was completed.

All this is a roundabout way of getting to two of our local gyms, and the culture at each. First, South Yuba Club: a tad upscale for Nevada County. V'tae products used to compete for shelf space with sweats and T-shirts and, as the only gym at the time in Nevada City proper, it had a certain cache. It also has a pool, one of only 2 gym pools in the area. It's a bit more expensive.

Then we have Monster Gym, which used to be Courthouse Athletic Club until the Carvilles, owners of South Yuba, bought it, spiffed it up and changed the name. When we first moved here my husband joined Courthouse and I joined South Yuba. Since that time I have been able to add Monster to my membership for $5 more a month, doubling my offer of classes and equipment.

South Yuba has a quiet culture, respectful. People are there to work out, and the atmosphere is serious for the most part. Monster Gym is a whole other animal.

It seems as if everyone knows one another at Monster, and if they don't, you will soon get acquainted. The culture is extremely friendly, with everyone calling each other by name, smiling and chatting and joking going on as everyone works out. Mike, who is usually at the front desk, greets everyone by name and smiles, bantering some small talk about their family or their workout. Many people works in twos, spotting one another and visiting as they work out. Birthdays are celebrated regularly.

The class instructors all work out at the gym and can be seen outside of class, encouraging you to join in, whether it's spinning or Tai Chi. You feel welcomed, and included. At Monster, you are part of the collective -- at South Yuba, you work out alone.

There are people who probably appreciate the solitude of South Yuba, not wanting or caring to get to know anyone else working out. When I go there, no one asks where I've been or what I've been up to. But I sure feel welcomed at Monster, where, like Cheers, everybody knows your name.

Is Facebook the New Office Water Cooler?

Since becoming "funemployed" last March (has it really been almost a year?) several people still working have asked me if I miss the camaraderie of an office. I thought I would -- I really did -- but Facebook has filled that need.

I was a reluctant convert to FB, not really "getting" the point; several friends and relatives were on it and suggested I give it a try. It's about as hard to explain the lure of FB as Twitter, but I'll try...

The obvious is I keep up daily with a number of the older grandkids. I know how the Kauai grandson is doing in college in Southern California; how his brother was running the Honolulu Marathon (with my daughter posting photos and comments along his way); how 9 year old Bleu sees the world; and what our adult children are up to.

Then, there's the connections. Eric Tunison, my third-grade boyfriend, found me on FB! So have dozens of high school friends and various people from my past that I'd lost touch with. A reporter who worked for me more than 20 years ago found a typo in a post I wrote and said he's been waiting 20 years for that! My childhood next door neighbors have reconnected as well.

My current friends and neighbors offer up all kinds of info on their worlds as well. I knew that Lisa's baby was going to be a boy because they posted that when they left the doctor's office. I know which neighbors are on vacation and who their housesitter is.

Take that stew and throw in friends around the world; KVMR DJ's promoting upcoming shows; businesses telling me what's new and on sale; pages for Weight Watchers with diet and exercise tips and discussion boards.

Then there's the collective advice factor. I have nearly 500 people as FB friends, and any question is quickly answered by several of them. Kind of like Google, but with people you know making recommendations. Julie used that plumber and was happy with him? OK, sold.

The communication between friends can either be public (writing on their "wall") or private in a message that only they see. It's easier to message people on FB than sorting through different e-mail addresses.

So, all this stuff is not essential to my life. But, like the old image of the office water cooler, it's a great place to hang out for a few minutes and glean all sorts of interesting information.

Not on Facebook? It's easy to get connected. And while you're there, friend me!

New Year, New Calendar

I don't understand keeping your calendar on the computer...it's so much easier to just glance at the calendar to check or add something. For me. Luddite that I am.

I keep my calendar in the kitchen and I notice most people I know do, too. Usually a home office is tucked away, while the kitchen is always a hub of activity.

Calendars are so personal, and usually reflect a choice of something to look at 12 months a year. Dog breeds, flowers, birds, yoga -- no matter your interest there is a calendar that reflects it. And if you're just a little patient and didn't receive a calendar as a gift, they will ALL be on sale in just a few days!

When I worked at The Register, my colleagues and I always had a calendar exchange at the holidays. We would draw names and you would try to figure out the perfect calendar for that person. (Better than a gift exchange where you end up with another coffee mug or a candle!)

My 2009 calendar is about songbirds; it even had bird calls you could press at the bottom. My 2010 calendar is Nevada County-centric, featuring beautiful photos by Dave McKay.

About the time I take down the Christmas Tree (sniff, sniff) I also transfer all the birthdays and occasions from the old calendar to the new one. That's always a trip down Memory Lane as I remember different parties, dinners, vacations, kayak trips....I love the thought that a whole year is ahead of me and I don't have a clue what it holds!

Thinking of a Word for the Year; Goodbye Claire

Molly Fisk, Nevada County's Poet Laureat, had a post on Facebook that got me thinking. She says to come up with one word to describe the next year. Rather than a resolution, per say, just a word that you can reflect on to guide you through the year.

I'm a fan of "what comes up" and the word that keeps simmering in my brain is Simplify. I think that's a good one for me and one that will be helpful throughout 2010. It can apply not only to possessions (I have too many) to life decisions. I think sometimes I can over think or complicate things, when the simple answer is the best.

Has a word been popping up for you as you read this? Then that is probably the one you want to choose. Share it!

****

Today at 11 a.m. is Claire Grondona's service at St. Canice in Nevada City. Claire had a heart as big as the Grand Canyon and the people of North San Juan, especially, loved her holiday community dinners at the Firehouse. Claire used to call me, and sometimes I would answer the phone and she would say, "Has anybody told you they loved you today?" and regardless of my answer, she would say, "I do!" in that distinctive raspy voice of hers. She left us way too soon -- she was only 65. We used to talk about meeting at church and going out for coffee. Sadly, we never did, and it is with a heavy heart that I will catch up with her in church today.

So, if you've been putting off seeing someone in your life, let this be a lesson for you, too. It's bittersweet that we're finally meeting at St. Canice -- for her funeral.

Twenty Ten? Or Two Thousand Ten? You decide!

That was one of the debates last night at our New Year's Eve Party at Miners Foundry....what do we call this year? Since we just bid farewell to two-thousand nine, it makes sense that the next year is two thousand ten, right? Not so fast.

In this morning's SF Chronicle -- the antiquated paper/dead tree edition -- a local grammarian has decreed that this year shall be officially called "Twenty Ten". He says the last decade should have been "Twenty Ought," or "Twenty oh oh"  because twenty logically follows nineteen.

The grammarian points out that no one would ever say, "I was born in one-thousand, nine hundred and fifty three," one would say "nineteen fifty-three."

On the other hand, think of the Arthur C. Clark novel, "2001, A Space Odyssey." Would you pronounce it "Twenty Oh One: A Space Odyssey"?

Of course there are plenty of more pressing problems in the universe, like terrorism and global warming, but someone needs to settle what we call this year and subsequent years so we can get on with it!

One of the greatest things about our party last night (a 10-couple steering committee of Bridge Street residents and irregulars put this shindig on) was knowing most of the people in the room and getting warm hugs from friends, coupled with "I love you, man!"

All in all, a pretty positive way to begin a sparkling New Year. I wish everyone their best year yet. Let the adventures begin!

Why Do Bullies Act the Way They Do?

We've all known people who bully -- it's a definite type. They've been in the news a lot lately, especially Internet bullying. It's easy to put people down in an Internet format rather than face-to-face, although some bullies seem to relish face to face conflict.

The San Francisco Chronicle recently ran a great story titled "Why Bosses Might Bully." Here is the lede of the story: "Bosses who feel incompetent are more likely to bully subordinates, according to a study being published in the journal Psychology Science. It goes on to say that "leaders who are in over their heads tend to resort to browbeating to protect their egos."

I always suspected that feelings of inadequacy were behind bullying in general. When people are happy and their life is going well, they usually don't feel the need to criticize everyone and everything. I've noticed that unhappy people tend to spread that unhappiness through their negative personality. That's why I avoid people whom I consider "toxic." 

Have you been bullied? Do you have theories about bullying?

The Buffalo Saga Continues -- Not So Happily

This was e-mailed to me Tuesday afternoon....

Subject: Buffalo crisis for animal lovers... Lee

Date: Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:01:39 -0400

To all:

As you know, the buffalo mom and baby girl, who escaped, had returned home on Wednesday. The owner, Mr. Dugger, had a slaughterer call me while they were on the loose. He said if I did not purchase the animals, he was instructed to hunt them down, shoot them and slaughter them. I said I could not buy them, but I would take them. He agreed and a paper was faxed to me, "gifting" them to me. My efforts had already begun to find them, borrow a tranquilizer gun from UC Davis, and move them to a secure, safe location until I found a suitable home.So many of you generously volunteered to help.

 

After the MIRACLE of "the girls" returning home, I had been calling and e-mailing Mr. Dugger for two days so we could pick them up and take them to a hobby  buffalo ranch in Placer County. The ranch manager had contacted me when they read the owner was going to shoot them and offered to take them into their herd of 27. The ranch is 2000 acres that they put into a land conservation trust, 345 acres of it is fenced for the buffalo. I went to look at it and it was WONDERFUL. We were so excited to take "the girls" there where they could live out their lives. It was also bittersweet because we would miss them so much, and we had developed a relationship where they would come right up to us, we handfed them and we could even tough them. But we knew it was the best for them, especially the female, who is still obviously lonely and grieving for her mate, Billy. 

 

After 3 days of no response from the owner, I was referred to a fantastic, retired animal loving/activist lawyer, Joan, who counseled with me at no charge. The plan was set, according to what the law requires, to give the owner notice that we would be at his property at 1 pm yesterday to take possession of the animals, and the consequences to him for not surrendering them, one of which, was to file a complaint for animal neglect for Billy, the male's death. Finally Mr. Dugger responded and said he would be there, but it was not amicable.

 

We showed up yesterday, and while waiting for the professional handler to arrive, a truck pulled into the driveway with a sign: Bear River Slaughter, the same guy who had contacted me before. Frantically. I immediately called the sherrif's department and Joan. Bob jumped out of our truck and ran to the slaughterer and told him he had better not touch those animals as we owned them. He proceeded to tell us that Mr Dugger was the owner, and he was there to shoot and slaughter "the girls" on the spot if we did not pay the owner $4000.

 

Three sheriff's trucks arrived, and I was on the phone to Joan. We had the document showing Mr. Dugger  had given the buffalo to us, but he disputed it's validity. The sheriff informed Mr. Dugger and the slaughterer, that they could not claim ownership, it needed to be determined by a judge, and they should not harm those animals in the meantime. If it were determined we owned them, they would be liable. The slaughterer left, and Mr. Dugger  said he would not do anything. Mr. Dugger complained to the sheriff that we were feeding the buffalo, trespassing on his property by throwing their food over the fence, and that we might poison them or give them bad food. The sheriff advised us to not feed them over the weekend, and Mr.Dugger mentioned  that if they were to die suddenly, it would be our fault. The sherrif said he could have the buffalo hauled off his property without our having the benefit of having their bodies tested, as we did with Billy. The comment and idea of the animals "suddenly dying" made us very frightened to leave them there without our being able to watch over them or even feed them.

 

When Bob and I told the slaughterer that $4000 was a ridiculous price, he said," well, make an offer and this will go away." We told him we would be in touch with Mr. Dugger by e-mail.  After agonizing about it, and fearing something would happen to those animals over the weekend and Monday, before we could do anything legally, we decided to make him an offer. One of you generously came up with $1000 to include Whiskey, the donkey, in with the offer. If Mr. Dugger would shoot and slaughter the buffalo, he could do the same to Whiskey. Hopefully, if a judge determines we are the owner, we can go to small claims court and get the money back for the buffalo. But we have heard no response from the owner and our offer expired.

 

Tomorrow we will move forward with another attorney who has been sympathetic to the situation, who we hope will help us. Joan can only advise, since she is retired. We ask for your prayers for us for strength and guidance and for these two innocent, sweet buffalo.

 

Thank you all for your support and I am sure I will be calling on you to help in this effort. Just a phone caIl, e-mail or letter from enough caring people can make a big difference in the outcome. I'll be in touch.

Kathy Labelle

The Lure of Costco & the Mystery of the Missing Music

I know, it's not local, but you can't beat the prices on just about everything! (Even if you have to buy 1,500 of one thing -- the bulk packaging is a riot.) I love to look in people's carts and see what THEY are buying...did we miss a bargain? I saw a guy with a giant dog bed (our dog's size) in his cart and so I went wandering the aisles looking for the dog beds. Not by the dog food, of course, that would be too logical. When I found them, they were stacked in a big box and had a pattern that looked like the upholstery in my dentist's office...a sickly baby blue print. But I started rooting through the box and down toward the bottom were some cool prints in browns and beiges. Into the cart, at a bargain $18.95. When we were in line 2 different people on either side of us asked about the dog bed. One guy said he didn't see that color and I told him he had to dig deep. Both left and came back with brown dog beds. Jackson was a bit reluctant to get on it at first (didn't have his good smells? Even though I wash his other one). So, I laid down on it, and Jackson laid down right beside me and put his paw around my side!

Why doesn't Costco carry CD's any more? Is it because everyone (except me) downloads music? Does anyone know?

What do you buy at Costco? And why?